Comments on: How to Apologize

By: RachelB

RachelB — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 00:35:47 +0000

There is a point when the person who is demanding such an apology without the willingness to discuss the wrong becomes the one who is clearly in the wrong. People with very weak boundaries will pray on the desires of others to make them happy and it sounds like this is what you are up against. It would be best instead of trying to pacify the “victim” into victim hood you clearly and directly state your desire to make amends for the wrong that has been caused but that to do so you need to have direct communication concerning the nature of the offense. If she is unwilling to do so there is nothing more you can do and you shouldn’t feel as though you must do more. Keep your personal boundaries in check as well. It is not OK for others to make demands without acknowledging what those demands are related to. Sometimes people do things of this nature because they enjoy the personal power they derive from provoking others to make amends for misunderstood wrongs and failing.

By: Let's move forward

Let's move forward — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 17:10:36 +0000

Yes, this is a real situation. And in fact, the third party has said to others don't apologize too much to her. This makes me wonder whether she wishes to stay in a state of victimhood or a state of offense and interprets “facts” to maintain her perspective of the situation. I wonder whether she wants the apology to prove the other party as guilty. If we were to have a discussion about it, we could move forward, but I've never been given the opportunity. I offered to visit her in person and was told, again by the third party, that we are well beyond face-to-face interaction, she is too hurt. I was also told that emails are not enough. And yet, the third party, still insists that “the ball is in my court.” And when I ask him, what else can I do–no face-to-face interaction and writing is not enough–I am told to think harder about the situation. I honestly don't think the third party knows what to do either. Any further insight you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

By: John Kador

John Kador — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 02:59:03 +0000

Right, there's no apology there. The fifth R–repitition–requires the offender to change his behavior. If they repeat the offense, apology is less and less available to them. You deal with such behavior by rejecting the apology and distancing yourself from the offender.

By: Gpguptagp

Gpguptagp — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 15:28:58 +0000

And what if the person appolising is doing the same offence again and again and has made it a habit –and uses it a tool to grt his way –how do u deal with it–bbecause saying sorry without meaning it –has got no value –except finding a escape route

By: John Kador

John Kador — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 06:29:12 +0000

Is this a real situation? My research shows it's pretty rare. Most people who are offended are eager to talk about the details. Taking the account at face value, you are off the hook. Let the other person know you are willing to listen to their grievance and take responsibility for your behavior. Apology is not about guessing and to the extent the person is setting you up, he or she owes you an apology. John Kador

By: Luc Galoppin

Luc Galoppin — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 02:29:16 +0000

Hi Tj,
I agree about the importance of acknowledgement: one needs to shorten the distance and to create real contact.
Thanks for underscoring this.
Luc.

By: paul

paul — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 03:04:00 +0000

its true! and i like it , and is a hard thing to do but ill do it.

By: Tj

Tj — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 21:25:44 +0000

excellent explaination of a good, valuable apology. A quickly uttered sorry with no accountability is even more maddening to me. It feels dismissive and patronizing. Then, adds fuel to the fire. Acknowledgement of other's feelings is essential.

By: Let's move forward.

Let's move forward. — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 12:36:00 +0000

What if you cannot identify the social norm or value violated? The person refuses to see, write, or talk to you, but communicates through a third party that she is expecting an apology. You ask family and friends for insight and they too are unclear of the social norm or value violated. Since you don’t believe it has anything to do with being wrong or right and you wish to cultivate the relationship, you make an apology as best as you can, but unable to clearly articulate that you won’t repeat the action because the violation is still unclear. The response, again through a third party, is that the apology was not enough and she is expecting more, with no clarification from her or the third party. How do you move forward?